When seeing a professional dominatrix, the name of the game is having a seriously fun, hot and memorable experience. After recently discussing how I negotiate sessions with another industry colleague, I thought it might be useful for me to write about how to clearly communicate what you want from the experience, so you can really make the most of it.
Over the years, I have noticed an implicit perception that sessioning with a Domme is a passive experience. This notion of Dommes being the only active party tends to come from people who expect that we are able to read minds, or magically assess what a person desires without saying a whole lot. You might be submissive, but that does not mean you are not an active participant. All of the best sexual experiences require everyone involved to be open and frank about their desires. Without this, you are unlikely to have the amazing experience you crave.
That said, it can be really hard to find the words sometimes. Perhaps you have never spoken openly with anyone about what you want sexually, you don’t quite know what excites you, maybe you feel nervous approaching a dominant woman about your fantasies, or you might even feel a bit embarrassed to talk about what you really enjoy.
The first step is thinking about what you want to get out of a session. It can be difficult for me when I speak to someone who is eager to meet me but hasn’t yet decided what areas pique their curiosity. Some people have a strong sense of what they want, but if that isn’t you, I do have some suggestions. Have a read about my session offerings and write down some dot points about what you’re open to or what would be a hard limit. It’s also worth Googling BDSM checklists to use in the same way. Think about what you have liked or disliked in the past. I would encourage you to be open to a Domme’s expertise. Where possible I discourage writing a script, or a detailed account of what should happen and in which order, or providing a shopping list of kinks. Simply write down some general overarching themes and activities you’d love to explore. Trust me. What you imagine in your mind might seem like a good idea in theory, but we always have a strong sense of how things play out best in practice.
You should also look up a Mistress’ availability, prices and make sure to contact her once you have a sense of when it would suit you to catch up, and for what duration of time.
Next you should find out your chosen professional Domme’s preferred method of communication. We’re all different. Our websites and advertising will say what we like. Personally, I enjoy talking on the phone to get a feel about how we might get along. But I am also happy to email and text if, for example, you aren’t confident with your English language skills or you’re feeling exceptionally nervous. I may still encourage you to call me nonetheless to make sure I feel comfortable with meeting you and to make sure the chemistry is likely to work. If we know each other already, a text or email is almost always fine.
No matter what method of contact you use, it’s important to be polite. Introduce yourself by name and ask if you can discuss a possible session, proposing a possible time or duration. This is a good time to give your Mistress a succinct idea of what you want from playing together. If you have a vague idea of what you want, be honest about this and propose that your Mistress make some suggestions. She will ask questions to clarify your interests and may even suggest an ideal session length for what you want to do together. Make sure you respect her time and don’t go overboard with detail.
Please also remember that a session with a Domme or any other sex worker is not a right, it’s a privilege. Treat us with respect and if we decide we do not want to see you, please move on and find someone else who will. Some of us will also require screening, so please be mindful of what we need to feel safe.
I highly recommend being as ready as possible for this contact. As a Mistress, it can start to feel as if someone isn’t being entirely respectful of your time when there is a lot of contact following this initial discussion – whether it’s to chop and change session times repeatedly, to make a number of changes to what you want in your session or just for general chit chat. I personally don’t mind a follow up email talking about the agreed upon content, including some extra detail if necessary, especially if you have been too nervous to talk about it in depth on the phone. That way you can both be sure you are a good match for kinky play.
There are a lot of expenses involved in being a professional Mistress. Venue hire, clothing, equipment, repairs, cleaning and so on. So when you cancel your session without enough notice, it can really impact upon our livelihood. Make sure you keep this in mind when working out your availability. Deposits may be necessary to demonstrate that you are serious about meeting.
Whether it’s on the phone or in person when you meet for your appointment, a good Domme will also discuss and negotiate consent with you. Safewords are an important tool in BDSM, so if you are ever uncomfortable with what is happening in a session for any reason, don’t be afraid to use it. I appreciate that not everyone always feels empowered to use their safe word, or may even freeze and feel completely unable to use it. I will always keep a close eye on your body language to watch for signs of this, and may check in to ensure you are ok if I am uncertain. But where possible, it is ultimately your responsibility to use your safe word, or discuss any problems you might have with using your safe word so a Mistress can be aware.
A good Mistress will also ask about any health issues or injuries you might have as well. BDSM comes with risks, and it’s important to be open and honest about medical issues so we can accommodate them and have a session that is not only fun, but safe for all of us. It is not just a safety issue for you when you don’t disclose health issues, it can be a safety issue for your Mistress too.
This might all seem daunting to begin with, but trust that a good Mistress will guide you through this process so long as you are respectful and make an effort to be kind and communicative. I always say that I like my men nervous, so don’t be too worried about seeming nervous! At the end of the day, some amount of nerves make for a much more exciting experience.
If you’ve been thinking about it for a long time, challenge yourself to make your fantasies into reality with all of this information in mind. Take the plunge and go for it.